Never let it be said that you don't try the best you can, the best you are able to, when it comes to important things like your children. Sometimes due to the stress of everyday living, bills, relationships, our past life and our problems coping in the present, our children tend to slip down the list of our priorities.
Well, now that I have sugar-coated it real nice-like, have you ever heard the saying, "The buck stops here"? You are not going to help your kids with their current problems by giving them advice, not after they have become teens and older. Not after they have become really screwed up because of your example.
I am a firm believe that when you become 18, you are on your own. You must retain the positive traits your parents have instilled in you and reject the negative. Try presenting that concept to your 18 year old, but have your ears covered when they respond with advice on where you need to go.
It took me until I was 50 years of age before I started accepting the positive and rejecting the negative traits of my parents. Best get your kids and your grandkids to the top of your priority list. That's what comes first, next keep your mouth shut. They don't want your advice, they need your example and it's never too late to start setting that example.
Don't even bother, if money, a new house, a new car, a job, or other things are more important to you. I will feel sorry for you, when you are looking out the window 40 years from now longing for someone to come and visit you.
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Archive for the ‘Bipolar’ Category
Children, Reflections of Your Self…….by David
Sunday, February 24th, 2008Hope For All……….by Susan
Saturday, February 2nd, 2008
I try my hand at writing poetry when I'm especially depressed. I wrote this poem a few years ago when I was going through a bad spell of depression and sadness. The past few days have been a bit troublesome for me and I thought of this poem again and decided to share it with you.
We share our stories sad and true
sometimes we don't know what to do.
We cry, we moan, we wail and whine
and even lose all track of time.
Our friends stick by us while we heal
they understand our pain is real.
They know we must express that pain
in order to feel whole again.
Depression such a lonely place
where all of us have shown our face.
We hold our heads up as we try
to grab some hope as it goes by.
And if at first we don't succeed
we'll try again and then indeed
we shall get well, we will be glad
we need not be forever sad.
I wish that we could vow tonight
to share our strengths and hold on tight,
to take each other by the hand,
to help each other understand
there's hope for all.
We share our stories sad and true
sometimes we don't know what to do.
We cry, we moan, we wail and whine
and even lose all track of time.
Our friends stick by us while we heal
they understand our pain is real.
They know we must express that pain
in order to feel whole again.
Depression such a lonely place
where all of us have shown our face.
We hold our heads up as we try
to grab some hope as it goes by.
And if at first we don't succeed
we'll try again and then indeed
we shall get well, we will be glad
we need not be forever sad.
I wish that we could vow tonight
to share our strengths and hold on tight,
to take each other by the hand,
to help each other understand
there's hope for all.
We All Need to Be Embarrassed………….by David
Saturday, January 26th, 2008
If you treat someone differently (poorly) when you are around other people, as opposed to when it is just the two of you, then I believe you need to be told (or embarrassed). If you're told this and you are embarrassed, then you probably didn't realize you were doing it. If you're told this, you may grin and say "yes, dear". In this case you may not even care.
When I encounter people who do this it almost feels like I'm in high school again. If these people could only know or realize how they are acting, they might be embarrassed and make changes in their behavior. This will only happen if they aren't too far gone into the world they call, "me first".
Another thing people do to one degree or another is justifying our bad behavior. We blame our failures in life on other people rather than ourselves. We are so stuck in this behavior that we can't see we are depriving ourselves and our children of a happy life and I emphasize our children, because that is probably how our parents presented themselves to us. Their example for us was by not taking responsibility for ones 'self.
How do we finally change these things from happening, this passing of bad behavior from one generation to another? I believe the only way is to change our behavior and set a good example. If we did that, we would no longer need to be embarrassed.
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When I encounter people who do this it almost feels like I'm in high school again. If these people could only know or realize how they are acting, they might be embarrassed and make changes in their behavior. This will only happen if they aren't too far gone into the world they call, "me first".
Another thing people do to one degree or another is justifying our bad behavior. We blame our failures in life on other people rather than ourselves. We are so stuck in this behavior that we can't see we are depriving ourselves and our children of a happy life and I emphasize our children, because that is probably how our parents presented themselves to us. Their example for us was by not taking responsibility for ones 'self.
How do we finally change these things from happening, this passing of bad behavior from one generation to another? I believe the only way is to change our behavior and set a good example. If we did that, we would no longer need to be embarrassed.
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Not Easy Being You?………….by David
Thursday, January 10th, 2008
Is it difficult for you when you go to the Mall or other places where there are lots of people? You may have been told the following and your logical mind knows: Many people feel these insecurities to one degree or another. Still ............that doesn't turn off the voice (the feeling) which tells you that you're not as good as everyone else. It tells you this to the extreme and you may feel you don't deserve to exist. (no reference to self harm here)
In my current view, "a voice" is key. I'm not saying that we are all going around hearing voices.
I spoke to my doctor last week and at one point she was reassuring me of the fact that everyone has these insecurities. Something happened. She saw something as I was saying, "these thoughts come into my head and I can't control them." Well, she immediately started writing a prescription.
The prescription is for Ambilify, an anti-psychotic medication in the lowest dose of 2 mg. (30 mg. being the highest). When she told me this, I thought, "am I a serial killer or something?" But then I regrouped. I realize I have some thoughts I can't control. These uncontrollable thoughts are more debilitating than the average lack of self esteem or insecurities many people experience around other people. I felt sort of angry to realize I truly have no control over these thoughts, then I saw that I really do need the help of this medication.
I guess most of us need counseling over a period of years an maybe medication for depression, but if you feel your withdrawal from people is to the extreme, you may want to consider this article when talking with your doctor. We all deserve to be happy or content and, we for sure, deserve to feel safe.
In my current view, "a voice" is key. I'm not saying that we are all going around hearing voices.
I spoke to my doctor last week and at one point she was reassuring me of the fact that everyone has these insecurities. Something happened. She saw something as I was saying, "these thoughts come into my head and I can't control them." Well, she immediately started writing a prescription.
The prescription is for Ambilify, an anti-psychotic medication in the lowest dose of 2 mg. (30 mg. being the highest). When she told me this, I thought, "am I a serial killer or something?" But then I regrouped. I realize I have some thoughts I can't control. These uncontrollable thoughts are more debilitating than the average lack of self esteem or insecurities many people experience around other people. I felt sort of angry to realize I truly have no control over these thoughts, then I saw that I really do need the help of this medication.
I guess most of us need counseling over a period of years an maybe medication for depression, but if you feel your withdrawal from people is to the extreme, you may want to consider this article when talking with your doctor. We all deserve to be happy or content and, we for sure, deserve to feel safe.
Feeling Hurt or Feeling Angry?………..by David
Saturday, December 22nd, 2007
I think a very good thing to learn is the distinction between feeling hurt and feeling angry..........sometimes these two feelings are hard to separate from each other.
I believe depression is part anger. There is a very good likelihood that our anger is in more places than we think. Anger can cause willfulness..........thinking we can solve problems when the solution is out of our hands. When angry, we have a tendency to respond to insult with insult, for example, road rage with road rage. Are we hurt or are we angry?
Supposedly, the very first story was: hey, you can have all you want in this paradise.........oranges, bananas, apples, color tv (ha), etc..........but do not eat them there apples!!! Above all things remember that I am God and you AIN'T!!
Are there people who treat you this way, as if they are God? Do you respond with hurt feelings and eventually anger? It's hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Susan writes:
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I believe depression is part anger. There is a very good likelihood that our anger is in more places than we think. Anger can cause willfulness..........thinking we can solve problems when the solution is out of our hands. When angry, we have a tendency to respond to insult with insult, for example, road rage with road rage. Are we hurt or are we angry?
Supposedly, the very first story was: hey, you can have all you want in this paradise.........oranges, bananas, apples, color tv (ha), etc..........but do not eat them there apples!!! Above all things remember that I am God and you AIN'T!!
Are there people who treat you this way, as if they are God? Do you respond with hurt feelings and eventually anger? It's hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Susan writes:
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The Blah Cloud…………..by David
Saturday, November 10th, 2007Having the blahs means different things to different people. I'll tell you what it means to me. This condition of having the blahs isn't my worst place to be. After I clarify that, you can decide if it is your worst place to be.
The blahs are about the middle of the road for me. When I am in this state I have no motivation to do things. I'm depressed to the point that nothing seems of interest to me, nothing feels worth doing. I have to force myself to accomplish the simplest of tasks. I wait for the blah cloud to lift. Sometimes I find a way to help that cloud dissipate.
My worst state is one of being much lower than the blahs. It is a state of total depression. When I'm in that hole, I don't want to venture outside of my apartment or speak to anyone. It's a terrible and lonely place to be. The blahs are better!
Yesterday I had a conversation with sister, Susan and I asked her how she was doing. She said she had the blahs. I admitted to also being in the blah state and she said, "why don't we get together tomorrow and put our two blahs together." That's exactly what we did. Blah! Blah! A good visit with someone often helps.
It's great to have someone who knows how it feels to be in the Blahs. It helps to help someone else raise the blah cloud so that they can get back to enjoying life a bit more. Hopefully, all of us can get to that higher level more often. I'll call it "living". "Living" is a much better place than being in the "hole" or having the "blahs".
Avon Reviews Another Ozzieblackcat site.
The blahs are about the middle of the road for me. When I am in this state I have no motivation to do things. I'm depressed to the point that nothing seems of interest to me, nothing feels worth doing. I have to force myself to accomplish the simplest of tasks. I wait for the blah cloud to lift. Sometimes I find a way to help that cloud dissipate.
My worst state is one of being much lower than the blahs. It is a state of total depression. When I'm in that hole, I don't want to venture outside of my apartment or speak to anyone. It's a terrible and lonely place to be. The blahs are better!
Yesterday I had a conversation with sister, Susan and I asked her how she was doing. She said she had the blahs. I admitted to also being in the blah state and she said, "why don't we get together tomorrow and put our two blahs together." That's exactly what we did. Blah! Blah! A good visit with someone often helps.
It's great to have someone who knows how it feels to be in the Blahs. It helps to help someone else raise the blah cloud so that they can get back to enjoying life a bit more. Hopefully, all of us can get to that higher level more often. I'll call it "living". "Living" is a much better place than being in the "hole" or having the "blahs".
Avon Reviews Another Ozzieblackcat site.
Postscript on Carers – Awful Research Results
Tuesday, October 30th, 2007I recently found an article in our local Sydney Morning Herald that made for some sad reading.
Professor Cummins from Deakin University has been researching the well-being of different societal groups for the last 6 years. The studies measure the degree to which different people are satisfied with their lives.
In the most recent study (October 2007) 3,750 carers were asked questions about health, relationships, safety and community involvement. A carer was defined as someone who looks after a frail, disabled or mentally ill relative.
According to the study carers have the lowest level of well-being of any group in the community. Further, the rate of moderately depressed carers was found to be 56% (general population is 6%), while almost 40% exhibited severe or extremely severe depression. As you can imagine the typical carer suffers a high level of dissatisfaction with life. And this is even in the presence of mitigating factors like a high income or being in a relationship.
This is tragic stuff. It really highlights to me the importance of looking after yourself as a carer. Have boundaries, have breaks without feeling guilty, maintain some part of your life that is separate from the person you’re caring for, build a support network (formal or informal), or join a support network, and find somewhere to fit in a bit of fun.
As a carer you need to stop yourself falling in a heap. You need to be resilient to mental illness, and you are far more effective in giving care to another if you remain healthy yourself.
Bipolar, Carers, Depression, mental illness
Loving the Person You Care For
Sunday, October 21st, 2007This is the 5th and last post in a series by Anna on “Being a Carer”. Earlier posts are The Depression Dialog , Know the Enemy , Trigger Unhappy and Keeping Your Mind Together.
I’ve written a lot about being a carer in my last 4 posts, but in this one I’d like to share with you the book that really saved my own sanity. It is “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder” by Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston.
In the first few months after James’ diagnosis I read a lot of material to educate myself. The problem was that most of it was factual information on depression and bipolar, but it didn’t tell me how to manage practical things like James’ irritability. The info simply described the symptom without ideas for its management.
From pages 1 to 2: “This book can provide you with the tools you need to be a resource and support for your partner instead of a crisis manager and constant caretaker.” This is exactly what I needed!
The book was written specifically for carers. Julie Fast has bipolar disorder, as does her partner of 10 years, and the result is a book with real insight.
At its heart is the idea of creating a holistic treatment plan.
The first aim is to develop a symptom list that you can use to identify when your partner’s behavior starts to change. Once that has been worked out the second aim is to create a “what works list” to treat those symptoms before they progress to a full blown episode. The third step is to work out what triggers the symptoms in the first place. These are often outside events, situations or behaviors that once modified or eliminated really make your partner far more stable. Once you understand the triggers well, then the goal is to stop the mood swing from starting in the first place. If it does start then the “what works list” comes into play.
Of course this strategy requires recording your partner’s behavior over time e.g. by keeping a journal.
The rest of the book focuses on the needs of the carer. (Obviously your partner achieving greater stability is already a significant help).
The chapter on “Your Emotional Response” starts you on the road of looking after your own needs. It discusses issues like anger, grief, guilt and feeling trapped. For me, it was almost a springboard for seeing a counselor.
The chapters on work, money and sex cover practical issues that cause distress. They were all helpful chapters, but for me the chapter “The Hard Truths” had more impact. This chapter really lays it on the line and forces you to face the reality of your relationship. Are you prepared to stay with your partner if things don’t change? Tough reading.
My favorite chapter is “The Bipolar Conversation”, which teaches you how to avoid pointless fights when you partner is baiting you. The book ends with “Laughter and Joy”, an inspiration to leading a normal life again. From this I learned to structure in happy times in our lives.
A brilliant book. It may be about bipolar, but the application is much wider and relevant to all mood disorders. It would greatly help any carer living with a depressed partner.
Here is the link to the book on Amazon (not an affiliate link).
Bipolar, Carers, Depression, Stay Well Plans
505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend
Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007I recently found a wonderful book called “505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend” by Lisa J. Copen. Since we are two-thirds of the way through Anna’s series on “Being the Carer” a quick overview of the book fits in well.
The best thing about the book is the practical ideas for helping an ill person. They are not platitudes like “If there is anything I can do…” but ways to be proactive with providing your support.
The book is focused on the chronically ill, and applies to the whole range of mental illnesses, but it would also be relevant to helping friends in any kind of need.
With the author’s permission I’m listing my favorite twenty.
3. Put meals into disposable containers and attach a note saying “This doesn’t need to be returned.”
5. Arrange for your friend’s kids to have a night with your children.
15. Treat her to a gift of movie rentals via postal mail through a service ($7-15 a month).
18. Mop the floors.
21. Ask, “Do you have an errand I can run for you before coming over?”
42. Don’t say, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” People rarely feel comfortable saying, “Yes, my laundry”. Instead pick something you are willing to do and then ask her permission.
44. Buy a magazine subscription for her on her favorite topic.
59. Say, “I’d like to bring you dinner next week. Would Monday or Tuesday night be better?”
81. Ask her if she wants to house-sit when you are on vacation. New surroundings may feel like a mini-vacation.
116. Take her kids for a movie and ice cream.
152. Watch your friend’s children so she and her spouse can have a night out.
180. Ask her if she’d like you to help rearrange her furniture for a fresh feeling in her house.
197. If a massage would feel good (it doesn’t always), give her a gift certificate for one.
199. Help her with her children’s birthday parties – but don’t take over; let her make all the decisions.
304. Clip cartoons that will make her smile.
316. When you leave ask, “Do you have mail I could drop off for you?”
406. Talk about normal everyday things, not just the illness.
424. Help her children pick out gifts for her on special occasions like Mother’s Day.
462. Go with her to the doctor and then go get coffee or lunch afterward. Medical visits get lonely and depressing.
468. Teach her how to use the Internet so she can learn more about her illness from medical websites.
The book is available by direct purchase from the Rest Ministries website.
Bipolar, carer, Carers, Depression, Reviews
Keeping Your Mind Together
Sunday, September 30th, 2007I’ve been asking James to take our old mattress to the waste dump for about 4 months. Today, I decided enough was enough. I asked an understanding friend (whose husband also has depression) to help me transport it. She has a car with roof racks. It took a while but we got it onto the roof, and tied it down with baling twine. It was not exactly satisfactory, but James had taken the rope to work and left it there.
So we drove that way and the mattress stayed on for about a mile before sliding. We checked it, and checked it again, and continued like this until we were nearly there, when a truck passed us with speed and the mattress flew off altogether. (Queen size by the way.) The twine was still intact, but the mattress handles were shredded. So we eventually limped in to the dump, mattress carefully balanced on top and hazard lights on. It was a funny experience and we had a lot of laughs.
I’ve written about this because it says a couple of things about how I handle my role as a carer.
Know the limits of what your partner or friend can do
Removing a mattress was overwhelming for James. He put it off, and ignored it, and put it off some more. The reason was that the task – mental as much as physical – was insurmountable to him. It’s quite different from laziness, as anyone with depression will know. But the mattress was stopping me from getting to my wardrobe and it had to go. My frustration was building up, despite knowing what was going on in James’ mind. I decided to just do it myself rather than let it become a big issue. That’s not to say I’m being a doormat. When I stop and think about it I recognize what’s happening under the surface and take a practical approach.
My support network is crucial
I have a small network of friends who will help me in this sort of situation. Through bitter experience, I know that some people are understanding about mental illness and others are not. My close friends are. I also know not to wear them out, so I share my problems around. They give the emotional support I need when I’m not getting it at home. They let me vent, they help me in practical ways, and they still share good times with me. They also think highly of James even though they know how awful he can be. That’s very important to me. I’m very fortunate as a carer to have supportive people around me. I know that many people are struggling along without much help. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to develop those supportive relationships, for friendship, for emotional support and for practical help for things like moving mattresses.
My mental health is crucial
I have to be proactive about having time out, having a break from the intense times, and even some fun. I used to feel guilty about this, but it’s actually wise to keep looking after your own health. My family are good with giving me practical help, like taking the kids, when I need to do something on my own.
Learn to forgive and grieve
It’s easy to feel sorry for myself, but I’ve learned to forgive and move on. James forgives me for a lot of things too; it’s not a one way street. I’ve had to mourn the life that I thought James and I were going to enjoy together. He is not at all like he was when we married. But I always remind myself that I should be thankful for what we have, and what I have, and not dwell on what we don’t have, and to pray on all occasions.